Hope Sinks

Remember my last post, when I was so full of hope and excitement that if I can get myself as fit as I can, my life could change.

In my head, I had visions of hiking, doing normal household stuff and running errands, going out socially for more than 40 minutes, and even feeling well enough to go on a vacation (it has been 11years…we have planned so many trips that we had to cancel because I had to go into the hospital or was close to it).

Then I got sick. Too sick to start working out. MRSA sick with constant fevers, cough, sinus issues, and fatigue. Oh and the Flu. I took the Tamiflu and also started antibiotics. By the end of week 2 on antibiotics, I told the doctor I wasn’t feeling quite better and that probably I needed another week.

I finished week 3, and felt marginally better. Stronger. And as fate worked out, the weather was warming up enough to use my treadmill in the basement (it is not heated).

Three days after finishing the antibiotics, I started coughing, but figured that it was just left over stuff from the recent infection.

After another three days, I suddenly began coughing uncontrollably, felt my fever coming on, was feeling very junky in my lungs, and I knew that my MRSA was ramping up again.

I spoke to my doctors on Monday, who put me on a different antibiotic, and tonight – 24 hours later, laying on the couch unable to sleep, coughing which sounds like a pipe has burst, and having to wear my oxygen (which is a huge bummer because it had been weeks since I needed it more than a few hours at a time).

In the meantime, several members of my family have had their own issues to deal with, and I find myself having difficulty keeping my head above water.

I am tired of being sick. I’m tired of coughing. I’m tired of fevers ravaging my body with aches. I’m tired of having to judge whether doing a little laundry is going to force me to nap for three hours later That day or have to rest the entire day tomorrow.

I’m sorry that this is not a positive sounding post, but it’s almost midnight, I feel too awful to sleep, and my mind is racing with all the things that I am probably never going to get to do. Thanks I’ve been trying to do for years, thinks that any 46-year-old should be able to do. I’m sorry that this is not a positive sounding post, but it’s almost midnight, I feel too awful to sleep, and my mind is racing with all the things that I am probably never going to get to do. Things that I’ve been trying to do for years, things that any 46-year-old woman should be able to do.

The cliché about having your health being everything, is so damn accurate that it hurts. And what makes it worse is that I am watching the world go by. Outside, kids are playing and people are walking their dogs. The movies and TV shows I watch because I’ve read everything that I have and honestly cannot concentrate on anything else at this point – keep telling me where to go for vacation, parties I should be attending every weekend, planning for summer, etc., On Facebook, and in articles, I get to read about life as a parent, exotic places to travel to, and the cool/ fun/ amazing adventure others are experiencing.

I feel like there really isn’t much more to look forward to, when every time I try to plan something, whether it’s to go to the store myself, to work out, or to do something big like visiting my in-laws, my health blocks me from having a life.

Losing hope again.

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3 thoughts on “Hope Sinks

  1. We are a pair. It seems like we are both down mentally at the same time often. “Just keep swimming”…I have to tell myself that, now I’m telling you that. We have to keep pushing even though it’s easy to fall into the rutt of not caring. Love you girl!

  2. I’m so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Just when you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it turns out that there is another bend to navigate around before you can get out of the darkness. I hope that some sleep and rest made things a bit better today. Do whatever you need to do heal. The laundry will wait, as will housework and a myriad of other things that will be calling your name. Take advantage of any offers to help from friends and family. Let go of any would have / should have / could have’s that are making your head spin. Focus on what is right in front of you. Take smaller steps and celebrate the smaller victories (yea! you had breakfast!) Take it one day at a time. You’ve got this.

  3. Katie says:

    My sister with CF,

    Don’t lose hope. we are slow, constant, phenomenal fighters. I also get morbid and deeply angry when I’m in that rubbish loop of infection, exhaustion, pain and strength loss. So angry.

    But we do lift ourselves out! Every damn time. It is so hard; I know the exhaustion and the despair. I also know you can and will get back to somewhere easier. Keep going! You can!

    much love,
    a CF sister from Australia.

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