Keep it in the Pants, Please!

Warning: this post is PG-13 and will contain no flowery-sounding euphemisms.

I’ve about reached the boiling point with people’s obsession about “letting it all hang out”. Yes, sharing and being open with others help build relationships and keep people close. Sometimes, we need to discuss these things, but there are times and places to do so. This obsession of talking about bodily functions is slowly chipping away at public decorum.

Perhaps because most of the television shows I watch are on channels like TLC or Discovery, and websites I visit are “women centric,” most of the advertisements I see are supposed to appeal to women. Apparently, the ad execs still think that the only things that women (need to) care about are babies and periods.

Now, I have this thing about diapers. You see, I don’t like to see babies wearing nothing but a diaper, not because I’m a prude, but because it reminds me of the “potty” topic.

Facebook is a sketchy place to hang out during the day, when young moms discuss at length the type, color and consistency of their babies’ diapers contents. I get grossed out whenever I read the phrase “blow out.” It’s just so…descriptive. Too descriptive.

Time for a Gag Order!

Pooping and diapers are not “fun”, despite what the commercials want you to think.

There is a Luvs Diaper commercial (that I wish would just go away) that features a “Blowout Competition.”
Cartoon judges and fans score and cheer as each baby gets on stage and fills up their diapers. The final contestant gets on stage, scrunches his face as if he is straining, turns his butt to the audience, and his diaper blows up like a helium balloon.

Now that’s something everyone wants to see.

Now that’s something everyone wants to see.

Thanks, Luvs, I get the visual. The kid is filling his diaper with crap and he will probably sit in it for a while until either he starts to get into it or someone notices the odor.

Talk about performance anxiety.

Talk about performance anxiety.

I’m sorry, but watching kids strain to poop is not cute to me. It’s also not funny. I know, I know, it’s a natural function, and I’m a prude, and I’m sure it would be different if I had kids (probably not, but I’m sure someone will think that), yada yada yada.

These kids don't know the difference between a 10 and a duck.

These kids don’t know the difference between a 10 and a duck.

I remember a time when one of my younger relatives was still in diapers – she was maybe 18 months old, and she had to “go,” so she stepped into the corner of the room for what I assumed was some privacy. I remember somebody noticing and suddenly everyone was giggling because you could tell that she was “doing her business”. I felt so bad for her; she actually looked embarrassed, if it’s possible at that age.

Bare Bear Butts?

Good grief. Let me tell you what I think about the Charmin toilet paper commercial featuring the bears. First of all, I don’t understand why the creators chose bears, unless they were playing to the adage “does a bear sh** in the woods?”, but it grosses me out. We’re treated to a scene with a bear emerging from his daily constitutional against a tree, with bits of toilet paper stuck to his butt.

Leave this type of inspection to the mommies and daddies.

Leave this type of inspection to the mommies and daddies. We don’t need to see it.

Mama bear, ever so helpful, provides her clueless cub with a MIRROR so that he can perform a “self inspection.” O.M.G. This is not cute! What do you think is making the TP stick? Not just fur, I can tell you that. Oh, and the tagline for Charmin? “Enjoy The Go.” They want you to “enjoy the relief, the calm, the clean…”

Visit their website. They have set up a giant store-front restroom with entertainment and surveys to assess  what can make your visits to the bathroom more enjoyable. A flat-screen television? A pedicure (reminds me, my toes need some prettifying)? Pizza delivery? The bathroom is the place for a few things, all of them practical and none of them particularly interesting. Well, unless you count my cats who think that bathroom time is the time to wander in for some uninterrupted petting time, seeing that I’m a captive audience.

I get it. Everybody poops. Every one of my nieces and nephews read the book. As someone with digestive disease, I very much understand the biology. I’ll talk about it from a medical perspective. Heck, among my fellow CF patients, I may even joke about it. But when did pooping become cute and something to enjoy? Something to announce to 5,000 of your closest friends online?

It’s as egregious as a feminine products manufacturer telling me to have a happy period.

As embarrassing and uncomfortable when a teenager's mother starts using outdated slang like "homegirl" and "dope!".

As embarrassing and uncomfortable as when a teenager’s mother starts using outdated slang like “homegirl” and “fresh”

Thankfully, they have abandoned that campaign, but their latest tagline and website geared to young women is just as trite.

The Bottom Line

Yes, I went there, I know it’s a bad pun, but it works. There just isn’t anything comfortable or enjoyable about pooping, peeing, or bleeding for a week.

Remember her?

Remember her?

Life is messy, and the human body performs a variety of personal functions, processes, sounds and smells. Slapping cute cartoon faces on diapers doesn’t make it any more fun to look at when you’re changing it, and putting a bow on your box of tampons doesn’t make the arrival of your period feel like a gift.

Yes, sh** happens. Let’s just keep it in the pants and not try to cuten it up.


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