Before Death Do Us Part: Swedish Death Cleaning

It’s about time we opened the closet doors, looked under the beds, and pulled up the blinds.

A friend of mine had lost both her parents and was sharing with me the tedious and exhaustive process of cleaning out her parents’ home. I could feel the exasperation through the phone. It was a drawn-out physical feat, and one that took an emotional toll as well.

The Realization

It made me think, “who will do that for me/us when we’re gone?”.

We do not have children. There is no one to rummage through the things we left behind, to settle accounts, to determine who is going to take ownership of any “treasures” collected over our lifetimes.

The Solution

I came across a process called “Swedish Death Cleaning“, during which you essentially clean out and declutter your home as if you were preparing for your own death.

It made me very sad at first, because I didn’t want anyone in my family burdened with the monumental task of going through everything.

Though the title is a bit morbid, leave it to the Swedish to be so matter of fact and clear-cut in the way they do things. It’s like the Ikea method of sorting through your life so others do not have to do so.

Many book options

We had a slow start. We would try working on one room at a time, or going through one small part of the house and tried to focus on that. In between my husband working a lot and my wavering levels of energy due to my health, we seemed to never find our footing for a while.

I tried motivated myself with notes. We made lists over and over. We attempted all sorts of ways to really get going.

But this was more than Marie Kono’s embracing what brings you joy. Most stuff we own aren’t for reasons of joy, but for utilitarian reasons, or sometimes, because we thought we needed something. And when sales came along, we thought, “can’t beat that!”.

But just because it is a deal, doesn’t mean you need it.

Like many people, we had accumulated more than we ever would need or use. we weren’t hoarders, but by no means did we live minimalistically.

After many starts and stops, we finally starting making progress a few months ago. Again, life gets in the way and we have to make the time to really work on finishing something before moving to the next. but we are getting there.

Making Progress

I don’t have any earth-shattering tips on how to achieve our goals. Maybe once we are closer to to it, I can look back and let you know what worked. But like anything worthy of your effort, you need to commit. Each time you take a step, do it with your full attention and avoid disruptions. Ignore the impulse to become distracted.

Start with something achievable. A drawer. A counter. Or begin with a type of item, such coffee mugs. That was actually the first thing we did, was go through our coffee mugs. It took 3 sweeps before we were satisfied. And I am sure we can do more, but we made strides.

How many mugs do you really need?

We figured what works best for us is deciding what we are going through, set aside a block of time, and just going until we’ve reached a pre-determined point.

And then we remove the items from the house.

We’ve offered some things to our nieces and nephews (all are in college or starting out), given to friends who we knew could use X or Y, donated to the Salvation Army (and other similar stores), and also take great use of our town’s facebook “giving” group. Things that just look junky went into the garbage.

Now We’re Getting Somewhere

Once we began making a little bit of headway, I’d look at the cleaned counter or inside an organized cupboard and feel relief instead of stress.

Clutter is chaos. Chaos is stress.

We are still building momentum. You don’t realize how cluttered a room or closet can really be until you start to dig. And it may take some time before you can see progress. Sometimes you have to take it in layers. And then you create “staging areas” of what’s going, what’s staying, etc., until you get rid of, or find the home for, each item.

If you have tried Swedish Death Cleaning, I’d love to hear about your experiences. We don’t have an ultimate goal date, because things don’t always go exactly as planned. But we do have the vision and are practicing decluttering every weekend. We get better and better with time. I don’t know if one would ever feel truly “finished”.

But I do know that with every piece that leaves this house, we get to feel a little more peace.

Do you need self care?

You bethcha. We all do. But there are some people who have to be nudged to do something solely for themselves.

Do you know how on an airplane, while they are going over the safety precautions protocols, they tell you that if the auction in drops to always put your oxygen on first, and then help the person next to you?

Do you know why? It’s kind of a metaphor for life.

You can’t help someone else if you’re out of commission, yourself.

The Giver

Some people in this world who are just givers. Often to their own detriment. There is someone in my life who gives in 100 different ways to anyone that needs something, whether they ask or not. This person stretches themselves quite thin. So I often have to remind her that if her desire is to help others, that unless she takes care of herself, there will not be anything left to give to anyone else.

This person will wait until everyone else has been served and eating before even thinking about making a plate for herself.

But she is hesitant to focus on herself. But one must be alive and to be able to keep giving!!

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One night my sister had visited me in the hospital. She had been working all day, yet made time to visit me late in the evening. She was going to stay over if I needed support. But somehow, earlier in the day, her new kitten had escaped.

It was about 10:30 pm and I could see that she was really worried. Yet she didn’t want to leave me if I needed her. I told her – the best thing you can do for ME is to go home and find that kitten!!

“Go find your baby” I told her, and offered some advice as a seasoned cat mama on how to find her.

She looked at me with tears in her eyes and felt guilt at leaving me after promising to stay with me. I, on the other hand, was so sad for her and her kitty that I begged her to go. (Don’t judge meow)

Well long story short, she got home, and could not sleep. She and her hubby got up, went outside with flashlights – it was after midnight – and walked around the perimeter of the house around the shrubberies, and called her name.

“Mew?” She heard.

Precious kitten reunited with her mama and and daddy!!

Long story short, they found her!!! And as someone who has never lived with a cat before, she has become such a wonderful cat mommy!!

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The Basics

So aside from doing special things for ourselves, we need to maintain the basics.

• Seeing the doctor
• Eating well (or at all!)
• Sleeping enough
• Resting (purposeful resting)
• Maintaining faith/religious activities
• Maintaining personal exercise/health regimens
• Getting support from others
• Spending time with family
• Spending time alone

You will go nowhere without refrueling your body, mind and soul.

So go ahead and fill your tank!

College and Cystic Fibrosis: Who/ What/ When/ How/ Why to Tell People about your CF

I came across some amazing news recently – nearly half of all CF patients are older than 18.

Courtesy of the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation

That means the patient population is growing up!! How amazing is that? It means so many things, and for some of us, it means:

No matter where you are in your self-identity journey, it’s never easy to know when to “come out” with your CF. And now that you’re going to college, you wonder, who do I tell? Who should I tell? Who do I need to tell? Who needs to know, really? It’s nobody’s business, right?

Grow Where You’re Planted

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Grow where you’re planted”? It comes from the Bible 1 Corinthians 7:14-24, but I am taking it out of context because those four words are great advice for what I am experiencing.

In other words, do the best with what you have. Sometimes, that’s really tough. The soil beneath your feet isn’t so sturdy, the sun might shine either too brightly or too weakly, and the rain may fall too quickly or not at all. That’s a lot of symbolism, but I’m a former English Major, and you can’t take that out of me.

My Cystic Fibrosis Journey: 2007

Me, Myself, and I

Whether negative or positive, change can be tough, and 2007 was full of changes.

My Doctors

After the move back to my home state, it took a while to find new doctors, especially because I had so many body parts that demanded specialized care. Settling into new CF care was the most complex, not only from physical and logistical standpoints, but an emotional one as well. I had spent nine years with my previous CF and Primary Care doctors, as well as specialists in GastroEnterology, Urology, Gynaecology, Psychiatry, Orthopedic, Cardiology, with a Primary Care doctor to tie it all together. I spent nearly ten years with many of my doctors, so they really knew my history, my personality, my lifestyle, what worked and what didn’t work. Now, I had to start over. Arranging transfer of my medical records was one thing, educating my new doctors and learning to trust them were more challenging. I also had to get used to a new hospital setting. My previous hospital was much smaller than the now city-wide medical campus I had joined. The inpatient experience was very different from this one – inevitable when there’s a much more detailed hierarchy of caregivers and a patient population five times as large.

My Body

Right before we moved, I had once again developed a new, upper-right-sided abdominal pain. My primary care doctor ordered an ultrasound that showed I had several kidney stones on either side and an ovarian cyst on the left side, but none of those issues would cause pain in that location. I spent six days in the hospital while a gaggle of different specialists tried to diagnose me. It wasn’t my kidneys, my ovaries, my liver, or muscle injury, but the doctors repeated just about every test anyway, eliminating existing conditions as the root cause, and ruling out any other possible “new” problems.

One of the GI doctors thought I might have a problem with the connecting valves between the Pancreas and Liver and between the Gallbladder and Pancreas. I had a procedure called ERCP to test for it and cut the valve if I had problems with internal pressure (Sphincter of Oddi Dysfunction), which I did, and the surgeon snipped the valve to release the pressure. However, it didn’t relieve any of the pain as the doctor had hoped. In fact, nothing they tried helped at all. He gave me a diagnosis of Pancreatitis, and there was nothing else they could do but treat the pain and nausea.

However, I was convinced that at some point, we’d either find an answer or the body part responsible would somehow disintegrate or cease to mis-function. Having a little bit of hope helped me not fall apart. The symptoms were intrusive and debilitating, but I had to believe that someday, they’d disappear.

My Mind

I had continued my intense mental health work through the New Year. I acquired more effective coping mechanisms, found medications that better suited both my depression and anxiety, and learned to spot episodes of distress earlier. One of the long-term goals of my treatment was to find happiness in life. I had lost interest in hobbies, and I didn’t find satisfaction in anything I did. Ever since I had left the working world, I struggled to figure out just who I was, who I wanted to become, and how I was going to get there…until I stumbled back into something that I had given up decades earlier.

My Passion

I found myself interested in acting, which for a long part of my life, I thought would be my future. I researched acting classes and found one only 20 miles away. I took the first class, and was hooked. The spark re-ignited. I began feeling creative, productive, and enjoying myself. I reveled in learning monologues and working on scenes with fellow actors in my classes. We rehearsed and filmed the scenes we worked on the previous week, and replayed them for everyone to critique.

My 2007 acting headshot. Photo by Julia Gerace.

We studied acting theory, established ourselves in the local entertainment network, and learned about the industry in general. I started auditioning and finding roles. I had my head shots taken. I was back in the game, and it was wonderful.

My Social Life

The year 2007 was a great year for to see family and friends – such a positive change from so many years of being sick and feeling isolated.

• We got to see Ken’s family in Arkansas and meet his sister’s third baby – another girl!!

Ken’s sister and three daughters with me, getting ready to watch an Arkansas Razorback baseball game!

• My dad’s family from Italy visited, some relatives I hadn’t seen in over 20 years, others who I had just met for the first time.

Ciao!

• One of my “little” cousins got married.

• We got tickets to see the Boston Red Sox in the Playoffs, at Fenway Park.

  

  Tickets! Tickets! We’ve got tickets!

• One of my sisters bought a company and reached her dream of becoming a CEO.
• We spent a week with my sister at the beach, and it really helped take away some of the stress. The salty beach air, the gentle, warm ocean waves, the soothing sun, and the bonding with my sister and her family was the perfect prescription for a rough year.

  

  Me and our nephew.

  The house was one block from the shore. We rode our bikes everywhere – to the beach, to the coffee shop, and along the trail to the next town over. We took long walks and imagined living in one of the giant homes along the water. We still hope someday to do that. You never know!

My Heart

One spring night, Ken was visiting my brother at the restaurant where he had worked at the time. Later that evening, Ken called me and asked me a really odd question:

“Do you want another baby?”

A baby? A baby kitty? O.M.G., yes!!! Apparently, a cat was living under the deck of the restaurant and living off the scraps of food the employees fed him. While Ken sat at a table on the deck, the cat trotted up to him and started having a kitty conversation. The cat then jumped up on the table and suddenly, everyone around them began paying attention to it. Ken felt something – the cat had picked him – and he was not going to let this sweet, amazing kitty get away.

Our new kitty, Milo!

After that phone call, Ken put the cat in the car and drove home. When they pulled into the driveway, Ken said “get your baby” and I reached under the seat and picked him up. I held him close and carried him into the house and the rest, as they say, is history. We named him Milo, and he quickly became Ken’s little buddy.

Snuggly kitties!

It took our resident kitty Mackenzie a while to warm up to him, but every so often, we’d find the two of them snoozing together.

Keeping a Balanced Perspective

The many changes endured during 2007 helped me realize something that although I couldn’t necessarily control a lot about life, but I could control how I looked at it. Living proactively, versus reactively, led to more happiness and quicker mental recovery from challenges of all sorts. Even though my body continued to get sick, I didn’t have to be sick. It’s a perspective that I struggled to keep balanced – and still do to this day – but I think that I had figured out how to get back to “me” quicker and easier.